I don’t usually dwell on problems, often when I have them, I push it to the back, deal with the trivial things that needs to be done and when all is finished and done with, when I’m lying on my bed trying to rest, it’s when the demons come and haunt me.
Oftentimes I analogize my psyche as a dog. The subconscious is a pet dog. You better sit up and take notice when its barking. There must be something out there that’s really bothering the mutt which is why he keeps on making the ruckus.
I don’t know if its to my advantage or not. I don’t like drama. If a situation can’t be solved now, then leave it be until you can do something about it. Problems is, the mutt wont stop its bark and now it’s aiming for the bite.
It’s crazy how humanity deal with problems. We need to find comfort so we find ways to make our endorphins wired. It’s that thingy in our nervous system that’s responsible for pain relief.
Yes folks, that blissful feeling when you’ve just had great sex, or the high that comes with running is an endorphin induced activity.
So I guess that’s why we go to a bar, get really heated up with the drink, socialize, set yourself up for a great head banging sex, then afterwards, run like hell. All in accordance to the endorphin induced activity. It may not solve your problem but you’ve tripped on that endorphin stuff long enough to ease the pain.
But, you’ve compounded another problem, you forgot to pay up for the drink last night coz the chick was so hot and all. Sheesh, you have to swing by again after work to settle the bill. It’s ok, I’m the man, I took home a hot chick. Then three months later she comes back to you telling you that you’re about to become a daddy… whaaht!?!
Ok ok we’ll do another analogy. It’s crazy what people would do to try to forget problems which eventually become problems itself. Some would up a drag in no smoking areas and be slapped with memos or violation tickets. While others would get wacko, be on an adrenaline trip trying to do bungee jumping shitting on their pants.
A friend of mine becomes totally OC (obsessive-compulsive), cleans up the whole house, her workstation and try to solve everything all at once, she becomes jittery and jumpy and if the minor details doesn’t get solved, it’s the end of the world. She’s tired and stressed out, of all the things she’s done, the dog still barks and wont go away. Fortunately for her, there’s no suicidal tendencies, she just gets her inhaler and puffs.
Me, I think the world can end tomorrow for all I care, now I just want to finish just this one more report to submit, one plate to wash, one shirt for the laundry, just one more jeepney ride to finally get home.
Trivial things don’t bother me, it’s the resulting echo, the circumstances behind the trivial that makes the dog bark that rattles me. I can get focused on trivialities.
There’s this person I know whose like an efficient working machine. He knows how to solve the demand. He can stand outside of himself and watch and learn and decides what needs to be done so he can deal with it.
It’s when he get’s home that he can’t deal with. He can’t talk to his partner anymore, finding less and less to have something in common about. He thinks of his children and feels the guilt of feeling nothing, and before he tries to look inside of himself to understand what has happened, he just rolls off to bed and finds sleep because he’s too tired to think.
This goes on for countless of days, before he knows it, there has been an ever-present hole somewhere inside that cannot be filled and cannot be identified. It’s a huge black thing that seems to be pulsating, steadily growing day by day, and somewhere around it, is a distinct sound of a dog barking.
Its alive, this stupid hole. It lives somewhere in the middle of your gut, in the center of your subconsciousness and you feel if you get close enough, you’d fall so deep inside you’d drown. You would die while you were still alive, surely beats the walking dead.
It’s easy to escape in the trivial. It makes us busy both in mind and body. It’s that stupid mutt you need to worry about.