2013: What say you?

a scene from 2012 the movie

a scene from 2012 the movie

January 1, 2013, woke up late, as usual.

Dragging feet, looking inside the fridge not exactly knowing why but because it seems the most logical thing to do when you feel wasted in the morning. Bow down, look around, close, then open it up again 🙂 Some people have routines with coffee, I have it with the fridge.

I kept thinking, “Hey stone head, you need to write something about the year ending. You know what?  you have practically become a sit-there-stand-still-stone-head. Get a move on!! you’re already growing moss and algae for hair. “ umm.. is that dried drool on you cheek?

I just saw my face reflected on the ref’s mirrored coating. Bleah!

Guess what, between the crumpled sheets,  I read my 2013 predictions on Astroscooperology and it said that this year will be anything but ordinary. That in three days, the grand trine of Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto, actually had a late appointment with the Mayan calendar, as such there will only be three months to live before a metamorphosis of planetary influences will end all life as we know it. It wasn’t suppose to happen in December 2012, it was moved to March 2013. Reason being, it just sucks when everybody is so hyped up. We’re in the middle of the Christmas season man, what gives?!

What would you do if you only had three months to live?

Not because you have HIV or something and that after you’ve gone everybody moves on, it’s an event where everyone goes, not just you, apparently they’d be thinking too, of last-three-months-need-to-do-right-now lists.

There’s a sense of urgency, everyone’s in a hurry.

From the past week, HBO kept doing reruns of 2012 the movie. One of the best disaster movies I’ve seen. Oh sure, let’s kill the new SO and go back to the ex, after all he is the father of your children even though he started out as a weirdo insisting on the end of the world.

Seriously? in an end-of-the-world scenario you’d go back to your ex and have one more hump for old times sake?

Me? I’d rather not. It’s a been there done that story. You’d know what to expect too much. C’mon! it’s gonna be the end of the world! grab that guy you’ve been having wet dreams about, drop the most dirtiest sexy line you can think of then beeline to the nearest closet. That should get your hang ups really out and dry then dirty 😉

Ahhh… but wait, It’s only Jan 1, if you do that, you’d be humping your way up to the third month deadline and  before you know it, you’re knocked up, right at the eve of the end of the world, not good.. not good at all.

So I guess we advocate the YOLO in the highest form of sense.

I am a disciple of YOLO, You Only Live Once. Try everything, if you don’t happen to like it, at least you get to know what you don’t like, what you wont eat, what you won’t wear and what you would never try to do again, that is, if you’ve survived the try outs.

We do it for three months.

I’ve tried drinking my brains out even it wasn’t the end of the world. Lucky for me, from all the alcohol I’ve  consumed, the grey matter  has not come out sanitized. It’s as green as your average malicious mongrel dirty jokes and everything, and no, I am not into bestiality even if it’s the end of the world.

Go on a rampage and kill everyone that ticks you off. Ummm… nope, I think you go way out sooner than the 3 month deadline.

Walk out the street and go to work wearing lady Gaga clothes. Hmmm… that’s promising, what would HR do? If they were busy doing their own YOLO lists you think they would notice? What would my children say? knowing them, they’d probably lock me in my bedroom and just give me food by pushing a tray under the door, until the deadline day.

On the first month, eat all the food you’ve never tasted before. Chocolate covered cockroaches, crispy locusts, marinated and barbecued frog legs, dog stew, snake stew, beef stew… with the most wickedest pepper so hot, your droppings, semen and snot would come out smoking.

396113_3015819083987_1517891196_2753577_19601175_nMaybe on the second month, make an empathy commitment. So you’ll know how the other person feels, why don’t you try putting grease all over, sit on a sidewalk with a can and beg for food, do it for a week.

Try riding a jeep looking like a felon, tattoos, grease, tattered shirts and talk to the driver like you wanted to go down at the next stop. Then you announce hold up.

If people are about to gang up on you, thinking of defending themselves just announce and say “Hey! we’re all on Just for Laughs then pretend you’re a looney. Better that, than be killed by a mob.

Bungee jump on the two highest building you can find in your metropolis and do not forget to wear adult diapers. Wear them tight. You don’t want them flying way over you while you’re falling too.

Rob a bank? I’m too coward for that.

Knife a person? Blood makes me queasy.

Knife a pig for slaughter? I couldn’t even kill our neighbors chicken. Last time me and my brothers did that, the knife went halfway through the neck but the chicken became excited, flew out of our hands and it ran all around the backyard while we were chasing it. His head dangling on the side. The poor thing kept running until it died, I guess more from being tired of all that running than because of its halfway severed head.

I suppose it was traumatic for the audience chickens, but it was one of the best fun I had, chasing half headless chickens.

Pathetic me, the world is about to end and all I can imagine on trying to go up to a guy looking like Thor, drop this for a pick up line,

Hey, you look like your from Sweden

“Well actually I’m not,” (better if he was)

Well you look like kinda, don’t ya know there are many cows there,

yeah? not sure, why?

Well .. would you like to milk me?”… wink* then tongue in cheek with a drink on my hands.

The guy goes “huh?” and very slowly moved away, thinking this one is dangerous.

I know!!!! the cow line doesn’t work. Stupid cows, they probably got bitter and curdled milk too.

I guess I’ll just hug my children when the world ends, hold hands with them and tell them I love them so very much. Watch the tsunami come over and engulf us altogether. It’s a classic disaster movie scene, but that works.

Love often works, even in the end.

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